The end of a year, like the end of a chapter in a book or a period of time in one's life, is a good time to reflect on where I am, where I've been and speculate on where I'm going. In a way, beginning this in the cold dark before sunrise seem so appropriate as I know the process will be ongoing through the day. Usually I can write a blog post in under an hour but this one may take longer, I think. You see, examining the past and its effect on the present not to mention trying to map the potential influence on the future isn't something that happens in a single flash.
If I look for successes this past year, probably the number one success was finishing Ginger's book. It took just about two years and there were still flaws in it but Ginger seems pleased and people have said she wrote a good book. It was important to me for her voice to be the only one heard even though my fingers were all over each word. I think I accomplished that so I mark that as a success.
Another success is going to work every workday (and sometimes on a few holidays) with the exception of a day I took off for mentor training in August. It is hard to get up and go somewhere that I don't really enjoy being but the alternative is not being able to feed and house the fur-kids much less myself. So I count a success every day I go in, trying not to grit my teeth when someone says, "Just be grateful you have a job!" and looking forward to coming home when my shift ends. Of course, I am grateful for the paycheck that comes every two weeks, something that helps keep body and soul (and fur) together.
Also on the success side is a couple of realizations I've made in the past year. I've discovered I really enjoy being a co-mentor in an online EfM group. Being co-mentor means I have time to be both student and mentor. I work with two of the very best in the business and I'm always in awe of their knowledge, experience and support.
I've also discovered that I really enjoy being at home. I look forward to days when I don't have to go out and do anything I don't want to do, and even find ways of putting off what has to be done outside so that I can do them all at once and be done with it. The boys drive me nuts from time to time (primarily at am when I still have an hour and a half before the clock goes off) but having one curl up on my lap as I read or waking up to find three lumps in the bed with me pretty much makes up for any inconvenience or trouble.
I've found again that I really do enjoy reading books and not just conversations online. I cut the tie with Facebook over a week ago and I'm finding that I have more time to read books I've had in the bookcase or in the pile on my desk. My Kindle has never been so well used as it has been this past week and I'm discovering how lovely it is to be able to read a book, turn pages and even change books with one hand while the other caresses soft fur and ears curled up on my lap or against my shoulder. I've found new music that I've put on my iPod to use at work both to block out noises that are to me almost like fingernails on a blackboard, and also to keep me calmer and more able to focus on those things on which I need to focus. I said in my spiritual autobiography this year that my iPod is like a connection to God because, like a Buddhist prayer wheel which, set in motion by someone passing by, keeps the prayers rising to God even while the one who set it in motion has gone on to do other things. Maybe a lot of Christian friends won't see that as a "Christian" thing or analogy but I do, and right now, in that part of my life, I don't so much care what others think as I do what I think, know and believe. Oh, I still care what they think, but in most areas it feels irrelevant. They will think what they think, based on fact or not. I am only responsible for me, not what someone thinks of me.
On the failure side, there have been so many I can't count them all. I can't make it through a single workday without apparently making multiple errors. That leaves me feeling very insecure and very very stupid but, no matter how hard I try, I never seem to get better or at least make fewer errors. I've discovered that no matter how hard I try, I seem to find the perfect way to end conversations in which I only wanted to participate. I've found that I tend to want to speak when I should remain silent but sometimes am silent when I ought to speak. I know I need to work on that particular kind of discernment.
Some things have become more valuable as this year has progressed like having a few truly good friends around whom I can be myself and not worry about whether I have the right "face" on in order to be accepted, much less loved. I've found that saying goodbye to people of whom I am very fond each time we part, get ready to hang up the phone or end an email or letter as if it were the very last time is important enough to make sure there's nothing to regret leaving unsaid or undone. The gift of listening is often much more valuable and more needed than something that needs to be dusted, exchanged for a different size or color or even not really wanted in the first place. It is also a lot easier on the budget yet gives something many people don't realize is priceless – the gift of time, interest, caring and support. The obverse is the gift of being able to speak freely, knowing the listener will sift out the good, toss the bad and encourage healing. I also remember those who have made an impact on my life but who have gone on to greater glory. I miss them, I still care greatly for them and I have hope that one day I will be able to express to them my gratitude for all they taught me.
All in all, it's been quite a year. A lot of it I wouldn't care to repeat but it has left me with some lessons learned, thoughts to sort through and knowledge that I can still make choices. I hope that in the next year those choices will be wise and well reasoned, not impulsive and often destructive. Above all, I hope that the next year will bring peace – for me and for the world.
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