Dear
Abba,
It’s
Halloween, the eve of All Saints’ Day and with All Souls’ Day the day after.
It’s always a tricky time of year for me, with the leaves dying on the trees,
the shortening days, and the anniversary of Mama’s death. My mind was already full of thoughts about
separations and goodbyes, and this just focused those thoughts. I have learned about saints in the liturgical
calendar, have known a lot of souls and some I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend
for sainthood, and some just ordinary
folks.
Throughout my life, there have been a large
number of goodbyes. Some have not
been too hard; those are the folks who have briefly passed through my life and
then we have both moved on to other things and other relationships: my school
friends, people I knew in the various places I have lived and worked, and even
some internet friends. Some, like the
friends from school, I rather expected to keep in touch with, but it did not
happen as I expected. I never really
expected to see some again, like college, military friends, and most people I
worked with. Honestly, most of those I did not want to see
again anyway.
There
were some that I expected to see again but who died before that happened. Those were more traumatic losses because even though I knew, in most
cases, that they were ill or aged or even both, and that there was a chance
that I might never see them again. There was always the hope that I would
because they were people dear to me, and it did not seem to matter whether I was a child or an adult. I still grieved their loss and missed them
very much, even when we did not have a contact
that often. There were some that I never
really had a chance to say, “I’m sorry” or a formal goodbye, and those I
regret. Some losses have left gaping
holes in my life that still feel raw and some that have taken a long time to
heal. There’s a feeling of separation
there, sometimes enough to make me feel the need to be very much apart from
people, fearing more loss and more hurt. Many of these are my personal saints, people who have touched my life,
often for decades, and who I can only pray for or talk to in my mind. Luckily,
I have some who are still with me, and some very supportive souls to help keep
me focused and supported.
I
sometimes wonder about Jesus. He was a part of life, interacting with
people, being intimately involved in the sense of sharing daily life with them,
but did he ever feel connected with them?
Did he feel an apartness there? I know that his connection with you was
total, but even though he preached, taught, ministered, healed, and traveled
with people, did he feel a part of the whole or was he too conscious of his
separateness, his role as your son and representative, to feel bonded
with the mere humans with whom he interacted?
Of course he felt compassion for
the marginalized ones, the disabled, the ill, but did he sit and joke with his
companions? Did he share just plain
conversations about any and everything like friends do?
I
understand that he was fully human, or that is what I have been taught, but in his humanity did he not
have that sense of the divine that made him a person separated from others,
even those who loved him and followed him?
Did he welcome human companionship or did he act humanly without taking it to an emotionally intimate level? I wonder how Jesus was, beyond the preacher/teacher/healer
that we read about in the Gospels. Did
he need defense mechanisms to preserve his personal and emotional safety? Was he truly fully human? Or did his divine nature give him that
detachment from many of the everyday things that those of us who have no claim
to divinity deal with on a daily basis?
I know that Jesus accepted separation from his followers when he experienced his betrayal and trial. I know that the crucifixion was the final act
of separation from them and from the life
they had all lived before. He rose
again, but it seems he never again indeed
returned to the relationships he had had previously, at least, not in the same
way. How could he? He had done what no one had ever done
before. How could he go back to the
pre-Easter style of life in a post-Easter situation?
Abba,
I know that I can separate myself from other people by choice just as death or
choice can separate me from people about whom I care. I can also choose to
separate myself from you. I can stand outside
the group of people with whom I interact, and I realize I can also do that with
you. You give me the free will to do it,
even if it would cause you pain if I followed that path. Of all the relationships I have had or ever
will have, the one I have with you is the
one that I really cannot afford to sever and from which I cannot walk
away. I may not enjoy being separated
and isolated from other people, but to separate myself from you would be death
to me.
Selfishly,
I am not ready to die yet – not physically, not emotionally. I can be a part of this world yet separate
from it, but I cannot exist separately from you. I can have relationships with other people
from time to time, but the one ongoing relationship that I must have is with
you so that I can live and not be just a shadow. I can trust you even if I cannot do so with other human beings. I can cling to you and not overwhelm
you. I can love you and have it be quite appropriate. I can be myself with you because you already
know all my flaws and weaknesses. And
with you, I never have to say goodbye.
Please
help me to keep that connection with you firmly in my mind and heart. Without it, I am
totally lost.
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