When an insight comes...

sometimes it comes from odd places. That's the beauty of epiphanies, they show up almost unbidden and totally unexpected but once they are there, it's like a spotlight shining on what had been a dark little corner and now there is something significant that has been hiding there.

I was poking around on Oprah's website this evening. Quite often I find quotes that resonate with me, or suggestions that feel like something I should try or the like. Today I found a "Loneliness Quiz" that had been in her magazine in 2006. It asked a series of questions such as "How often do you feel unhappy doing so many things alone?" or
"How often do you feel you cannot tolerate being so alone?" and I was asked to rate the question with never, rarely, sometimes, and always. Of the 10 questions, I rated 7 of them as "rarely" and only 3 as "sometimes". No nevers, no always, just rarely or sometimes. It surprised me when I scored a 23, and told I had a "high level of loneliness". The average score was 20.

Reading through the questions, though, I thought of some of the questions to which I had answered "rarely" -- like rarely feeling starved for company (with four cats? ) or waiting for people to call or write (I have a phone that dials out as well as lets people dial in -- and I have email that goes both ways too). I like being alone. I actually WANT to go home, can't wait to get there, most days when I leave the office. There are times I go in my front door at 5:30 on Friday evening and don't go any further than my patio until 7:30 on Monday morning. It doesn't bother me; I really do relish it.

The question that really popped the "AHA!" moment was "How often do you feel completely alone?" I was surprised that I could answer that as "rarely."  It does happen now and again, but I realized that I don't need physical company to feel like I'm not alone.

There have been a lot of times in my life when I felt completely alone, like right after the Spousal Unit died nearly 4 years ago. I had known it would happen sooner or later but knowing the possibility is there and realizing the possibility has become an actuality are two very different things. I had friends, of course, who were supportive, but I was in my head, trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel, the right direction to go and not being sure what or where that was. Looking back, I remember how lost I felt and how incapable of making decisions that I knew I had to make. Luckily people helped me along and now I can feel grateful to them for loaning me their strength when I had none of my own.

Now I realize that, the boys and Phoebe aside, I'm never really alone, even when there is nobody else in my house but us. I have friends who are as close as the other end of the phone line whenever I need them. Even if it isn't a good time for them to talk, it's okay because the connection is there and they will get back to me as soon as possible. I have friends I can call and suggest lunch or an early dinner and if they can't do it then, we just plan some other time and that's okay too. When I'm facing something I can't seem to work through myself or just need a little support, I know those friends, scattered across the US, are there for me and as close as a thought, a phone call, a card or an email.

And then I realized that there was One who is always here, no matter what, and that's God. I may not be conscious of it, but somehow I know God's there and I feel supported. It feels a bit weird, to be honest. I mean, I've been Christian most of my life and I've been taught about this, have even felt it from time to time. This time, though, is different. This is a certainty, something like a slap on the forehead. I'm still exploring the feeling, but I know it is genuine. I should answer "Never" to all those questions on that quiz.

In fact, I should say that I am probably one of the least lonely people you'll ever meet. I think that doctor who did the quiz might need to recalibrate. It's possible to be alone without being lonely.

God and good friends make that a certainty.

Quiz, by Daniel Russell, PhD, found  here.