New Year, New ???

It's January 1. I'm glad to see it finally get here; 2009 was pretty much a wash with lots of house repairs, truck repairs, aches & pains (which aren't going to go away, I think, and which wil probably increase), etc. I can't say 2010 is going to be a whole lot better (I'd settle for a little better) but I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

I'm feeling a lot of resistance to taking down the Christmas tree I wasn't all that eager to put up just last month. Adding the little fake crystal ornaments seemed to have set something free in me that I hadn't really realized was so caged. I guess that was the Christmas present God had for me this year.

I also feel a sense of accomplishment to have added book #156 to my annotated bibliography I've been keeping since 2002. Harry Potter and Precious Ramotswe aren't on the list but just about everything else I've read is -- at least the theological/religious/spiritual books. A lady at church that I really have very little in common with suggested I keep the bibliography when I remarked that I couldn't remember books I'd read or often what was in them even if I could remember the title. I have thanked her many times for suggesting this as I've been able to revisit things I've read and have some idea of what books to look in to find something I vaguely remember.

I don't make resolutions. I've found that that's a sure-fire way to fail yet again. When I finally came to the conclusion that I had to stop smoking because I simply couldn't afford to buy cigarettes any more I had to go cold turkey. This was in December, too early (or too late) for a New Year's resolution. Six years and almost one month later I look back and see the journey. I didn't say anything to anybody --- that fear of failure, especially in the eyes of other people. I didn't even tell Ray. Oddly enough, nobody even noticed for almost a month. There have been times, lots of them, I would have killed for a cigarette but aside from one puff about 5 years ago I haven't succumbed. I've even reached the point where stale smoke smells nasty (although fresh smoke still smells fairly good). If I have to make a resolution this year I will do it quietly, hoping I can accomplish the goal but knowing myself well enough to expect failure.

Some will call me a defeatist but I prefer to think that I know myself far better than anyone else can. Friends have faith in me and would encourage me IF I let them know what I was doing but shoot, I'm better at encouraging others than getting encouraged. I've told several people that I'm their #1 cheerleader and it's how I feel. I can encourage them and feel pride in their accomplishments that I never feel in my own.

I should probably resolve to lose weight (like just about everybody else in this country), eat more healthy food (and conversely, cut back on the pizzas and burgers), pray more, study more, go to church more, control the inner anger I feel (and sometimes show in inopportune moments), try to see the bright side, spend less on "stuff" and save more $$, but somehow saying on paper that I am going to do any of these feels like a setup for failure. Like faith, I guess I just have to go on "as if" and let God take care of me in whatever way God wants while trying hard not to get in God's way myself.

I may have a bad case of acedia but I guess the only one who can pull up my socks and get on with my life is me. With God's help.

That's about as much of a resolution as I can make on this day, January 1, 2010.